Sunday, March 25, 2012

Life goes on and my bucket list

It's been 3 weeks since my mother-in-law passed away.  Things seem to be settling down for us.  I wouldn't say it's back to normal; how normal is it to not have your mother around when she's been there for so long?  Gary's Dad seems to be doing well considering he just lost his best friend of forty-five years.  Apparently it's the first time he's lived alone in all of his seventy years.  He's trying to get used to an entirely different way of living.  We're adjusting to the change in family dynamic too.

Thinking about death always makes me think about life.  For me, death has always been an inevitable and natural part of life.  I imagine I still have some changing and growing to do before I die, but I know now that the essence of who I am will remain the same.  For right now, suffice to say I know who I am - my strengths and my flaws - and I continue to work on compassion and selflessness everyday.

I'm not really a bucket list type of person, at least not in the traditional sense.  For me, there are two types of bucket lists.  The first answers this question, 'If you were to die tomorrow, what would you do today?'  The other answers, 'What do you want to achieve and do before you die?'  It doesn't matter what type of list mine would be.  It definitely does not have climbing Mt. Everest or bungee jumping on it.  Oh, I hear you, 'Let go of your fears and take the risk!'  If this is a passionate hobby of yours by all means, go for it.  It's just not on any list of mine (other than the, 'Never in MY lifetime list').  I'd feel like I'm putting my life in danger to say I've truly lived.  Am I the only one who thinks this is a contradiction in terms?!

The bucket list just isn't going to work for me.  It puts the focus on doing things before I die to feel like I've lived.  I don't want to live in fear of not having lived.  I guess I need a Living List, or maybe I just need to live my list and not feel compelled to make a list at all.

I love my life.  I love my family.  I'll start with that and see where it takes me.

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